Tag Archive: funny

Continuity Theory

Photo courtesy of BigBangTheory.wikia.com.

Ever since I was little, I’ve been something of a linguaphile. My sister and I used to regard English to Anything dictionaries as a kind of Grimoirie, spending hours poring over them and hoping to glean the new and wonderful ability to speak a foreign language. In this way, I flirted with a variety of natural and devised languages, including Spanish, Latin, Greek, Quenya and Klingon.

I had never learned a substantial amount of Klingon, probably because my linguistic affairs were so numerous at the time. But for some reason, I took to one phrase in particular:

Cho magh. Qa qaw’.

You betray me. I destroy you.

This was easily over ten years ago.

Yesterday, I was watching TV with my husband when a trailer for Thor: The Dark World came on. I watched, to my surprise and delight, as Thor uttered the words to Loki, “If you betray me, I will kill you.”

Immediately, I said, spurred by the forces of destiny, “Cho magh. Qa qaw’.”

Immediately my husband, spurred by mild alarm, said, “What?”

Looking back, it probably required some backstory.

I sat there for a moment, smiling at the sheer perfection of that occurrence. There was one phrase I had learned in Klingon. Only one. And here, over ten years later, I was able to translate straight off the screen to that one short utterance that I had engraved on my very soul.

Suddenly, my life just felt meaningful.

I moved slowly, as if in a dream. “I have to… call my sister,” I said.

She was the only one who could understand.


Hot Men Are People, Too


Okay, so I haven’t been so diligent in my determination to blog every day.  I admit that.  But as you can see by the Wolverine post, quality suffers when you blog to blob.  But I’m hoping that there’s a mysterious wall that I can break through, like you put 100 crappy posts up and then everything that you write for the rest of your life is amazing.  So I am redetermining to hit my goal in February.
So just wanted to say:

Yesterday, at work, I saw one of the most gorgeous guys that I have EVER seen in my life.  He made most male models and movie stars look like homeless people.  He was tall, well-dressed, olive toned skin, perfect hair— come to think of it, he looked just like the love interest from my novel.  So glad that I didn’t think of that last night— I almost certainly would have said it.

So, he orders a beer and gets up to use the restroom.  We were fixing something in the men’s room, so he had to use the ladies’ room.  I was anxiously waiting to use the restroom myself, due to my new determination to drink eight glasses of water while I work.  So after a few minutes, he came out, and I waited what seemed like an appropriate, yet entirely  unreasonable length of time before rushing in.

The smell in that bathroom was unfathomable, and as I opened the door, it rushed out and greeted my nostrils with a cheerful aggression, not entirely unlike a department store salesperson.  I couldn’t do anything but laugh, which I quickly decided against, so as not to give the smell another way to invade my senses.

The guy was still hot when I left the bathroom, but decidedly more human, and I felt that I suddenly knew what it was like to be married to him.  Needless to say, all the fantasy of having him sweep me away on a white horse rapidly dissapated, especially when I considered the inherent olfactory truth of this daydream.

All this being said, I have a new appreciation for regular, slightly-above-average looking me.  I may not be wickedly hot, but I have never blown up a public restroom like that.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.org.

If this doesn’t make you smile, nothing will.  This has never failed to make me happy.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

In the spirit of the holidays, I would like to pose a little brain bender to all of you. Close your eyes – ideally, after you read this – and imagine.

It’s Christmas Eve, a magical night where anything can happen, where an overweight man in a red suit travels the globe at the speed of light. It’s 9:30 pm, and all around the world, millions of children have already tucked into their beds, eagerly awaiting the gifts and love and golden memories that the next day will bring.

You are eating at a beautiful little restaurant in the heart of the city, safely away from the chill night air, surrounded by the people that you love. You sip a delicious, full-bodied red wine, and enjoy a hearty holiday feast.

Suddenly, your chest is tight, and your eyes are bulging. Someone screams, and you know you are choking.

It all happens so quickly, and as your life flashes in front of your teary eyes, you wonder if this restaurant, these people, will be the last things you ever see.

But without warning, you feel a pair of arms locking around your stomach. They jerk upwards into your belly once, twice, and you can suddenly breathe again. When your heart stops racing, you glance behind you and see your waiter, looking back at you with concern.

The ambulance finally arrives, but you’re fine now, thanks to your waiter. You return to your meal and your family, a bit dazed and still a little shaken.

Now imagine all of these things, and tell me:

How much do you tip someone after they save your life?