In case you were wondering, yes– there is such a thing as a douchebag drink. I’ve seen people order them all the time in my five years of bartending and frequenting such glowing examples of Plato-esque caves. (The enlightenment one attains after half a bottle of Jameson is astounding.) I have yet to see, however, a woman order a douchebag drink. Something inside them seems to scream out when they are crossing that line– blame it, if you will, on the years of honed social insticts that allowed us to become hyper-sensitive to changes in each other’s mood and to sync up our cycles. Through careful analysis, I have determined that the douchebag drink arises not from the content of the drink itself (nay, a Goose and cranberry is no more or less douchebaggy than an old-fashioned or a mint julep) but from the way it is ordered and the “accessories” of the said drink. The douche-wallet and douche-keys, if you will.

Top Five Douchebag Drinks (And Why!)

1. Any martini ordered in a “man glass”

Who are you fooling? Your beverage is pink, frothy, and smells of summer rain. No matter what glass I put it in, you’re not getting your “street cred” back. Suck it up, own it like James Bond, and order your cosmos “shaken, not stirred.” And if you’re so worried about looking gay, stop sipping it with your pinky out.

2. Long Island Iced Teas (variation: “Strong Island”)

So you’ve got enough money for one drink and you wanna make it count. I get it. We’ve all been there. My answer: take your hard-earned cash, go home and buy a bottle. I don’t make these drinks (on principle) without first checking I.D.’s, because this is officially the lamest thing you can order. And for those of you who order “Strong Islands,” thinking your banal attempt at a code word for pouring MORE liquor into what is essentially a lower grade of cleaning fluid will actually get me to do your no-tipping self a favor— here’s a tip. Get a paying job, and then drink something not “kid-tested,” and more than likely, “mother approved.”

3. Drinks with more garnishes than alcohol

Nutrition is very important, and lack of good nutritional habits can lead to potentially serious and debilitating diseases like diabetes or scurvy. However, I’m just a bartender, and this is just a drink. It’s supposed to make you happy and fearless. Do not come to me looking for your daily values of Vitamin C. (Unless you’re at Applebee’s. They use the most delicious oranges I’ve ever had in my life.)

4. Anything that you haven’t got the faintest idea of what it actually is

Screwdriver? Basic. Mai Tai? Acceptable. New Jersey Three-Week Old Septic Water? Not only out of the question, but disgusting. Don’t make a habit of consuming things you can’t identify. A close examination is in order– not of the drink itself, but of your digestive tract and potentially your life insurance policy as well.

5. Drinks designed to function as a come-on

I once had a guy offer to get me a “Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against The Wall.” I said only if he also knew how to make a “Multiple Screaming Orgasm.” He assured me he could, but I ended up with a “Fuzzy Navel.” What a let-down– and I paid full-price.

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